Reframing the Post-Game Conversation

That post-game car ride is always a wild card…at least for me. Do we talk about what happened? What if they lost? What if they lost big? What if he had an error that led to the winning run scoring? What if he struck out to end the game? What if he won big? What if he had the winning hit or made that game-ending catch? Emotions run the gamut and I’ve never been too confident how to approach either conversation.

Then we started reframing the conversation. Instead of “I’m so proud of you” as a catch-all, win or lose, because I am always proud of him for going out there and chasing his dreams, I started asking “are you proud of you?”

I was shocked to see how fast that reframed question worked. I thought for sure he’d say “yes” without thinking and just move on. Or, if it was a bad game, he might immediately say “no” without giving it much thought. But, what happened surprised me. From the first time I asked the question, he stopped to think about what I asked instead of giving me the knee jerk 1-word answer. Then he said “yes, I am.” And he said it with confidence. 

He went through the game himself, recounting what went well and what didn’t. But at the end of it all, he said he was proud of himself and that the sum of the parts were more positive than the missed opportunities that might have changed the game’s outcome (the last part being my summary of his assessment).

I take no credit for this shift in conversation. But I am proud me for being open to learning better ways to have these conversations. My kid is not one for the positive self-talk. I’m not sure he’s a negative self-talk kid either, but I do know that his biggest hurdle is the giant brain in his head. More than one coach has told him that if he would just stop thinking so much, he’d be unstoppable. 

Let me give credit where credit is due. Social media. (Gasp! I know, right?)

A few months ago, I started getting hit with Instagram ads and accounts talking about helping kids with their confidence - confidence coaches, as I learned these professionals are called. I had no idea this was a thing. 

I’m not sure what happened first - that I noticed my middle schooler’s confidence wasn’t where I thought it should be (given all he had going for him) or these ads started hitting my feed. But, the timing was perfect.

These coaches were all talking about how to help kids be more confident, reduce the negative self-talk, reduce their reliance on external validation, etc. All things I wish I was better at and that someone had recognized when I was a student athlete. I might have a different respect for myself and I might even have tried to play the sport I loved longer than I did. But I digress..

Coach Will is the one that really caught my eye. His lessons were relatable for me as a parent, and they helped me have conversations with my son in a way that got through to him. Mind you, my son and I have a great relationship. We talk about a lot, rarely do I feel like he’s holding out or we’re not connecting. Vulnerability hasn’t been an issue, thus far at least, in our relationship. I am super proud that we have built that kind of bond. But Coach Will’s videos, emails, podcast, and Instagram content made me feel more confident with tough conversations. He also helped me learn how to rephrase that post-game conversation.

I no longer lead with a statement about me being proud of him. We don’t break down the game or ask “what happened here…” questions. I ask him - if he’s proud of his effort and if he had fun. I wish I had started doing this earlier. But I’m so grateful we started doing this in middle school. He walks a little taller, he sulks less time when things don’t go well. He has become really adept at balancing the good with the bad.

I think we’re set up well as we begin our high school chapter. I truly hope he carries this same mentality through to high school sports and academics. Not everything will go his way all the time, but he can be proud of what he can control, which is his effort. No external validation required to determine his take on a game, a test, a project, etc.

Go get ‘em kid! I’ll continue learning right alongside you.